When you feel like your life was forged in the fires of Original Sin, when the guilt leaves, you have nothing to hold onto. You also have nothing further to hold you down.
Lets be honest, 2023 was a fucked up year.
I’ve spent already too much time in ’24 thinking about it, and never really seem to find the right time to go into it, so yay word vomit!
For years I’ve felt that I’ve been trying to live up to the standards someone else has set, convinced myself that their standards aren’t high enough, set a much larger goal and then become overwhelmed and hope the original specs were ok and then feel bad even if people like the end product. This was the same with school, work, friends, relationships, parents, the list goes on. If I failed you I’d already shot myself in the foot 10 times before you’d even know.
Growing up too fast, being socially awkward, being a very good and natural born people pleaser who also has an air of rebellion when confronted? Oh gods, I’m a Pisces who plays with fire. It’s an interesting combination, but just call me a Smoked Salmon if you must.
A dangerous combination, the two. Socially, a bit destructive internally and a bit on the reactionary side as well. My people, my community, I hold very dear, and “no-one messes with family”. Queue the Mister Clean from Wish driving a Supercar. Much like Gondor, sometimes the closest to us are the ones seeding dissent into the mind. Sometimes the conversations in the background have more than one voice and it’s time to stop listening for good.
I used to create to explore, to feel and to share what I saw, sometimes to evoke emotions, sometimes just for the sheer fact that “this is a pretty person/place/thing admire it much as I have through mine own eye” is enough to make me happy. I’d put all of my energy into each wand, staff, special edit that I could see myself in my work. There is still an element of this here, but it evolved, it changed, it scabbed over and healed.
I’m now back to creating, to explore, to make stuff I’m proud of, where-ever it is published or displayed. The backbone exists, the body is slowly filling out and I’m ready to get back to my artist statement (paraphrased). “I seek to expose you to my universe, to expose you to my soul”.
My mission? Just that. If it hits my mind and I work through it and create? boom, its being shared. I spent far too much time trying to think of the perfect thing to work with person x y or z to only have the concept scrapped and work on something else, no calls, or the end product just wasn’t what I wanted. I’m no longer here to beat myself up, question my instincts and practically die trying to please people.
No
When you are here, any of my socials, you are in my universe, if you don’t like it, please, there is a nice Diner at the border of the next ‘verse.
I am Scott, as a Creator, I go by Neb, I welcome you again to my universe, it’s going to be fun exploring it again.